What on Earth?
by Andie17
Summary: Two friends get sucked through their TV while watching Buffy. Spuffy!!!!
1. Marathon

Summary: Two best friends get sucked into their television while watching their favourite show (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)  
  
Author: Andie17  
  
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy aren't mine, yaddah yaddah yaddah. But Andie and April are kinda mine but not really cuz we're real people and now I'm just confusing myself..  
  
----------- --- Chapter One: Marathon  
  
"Tired yet?" Andie glanced over at April, who was staring intently at the television.  
  
"Nope. You?"  
  
"Not really." It was a little after two in the morning. They were lying on their stomachs on the floor of April's living room, pillows stuffed under their chins to avoid uncomfortableness.  
  
"You're just. . . convenient," Buffy hissed at Spike.  
  
April and Andie simultaneously grabbed handfuls of microwaved popcorn and heaved them at the television screen.  
  
"What's wrong with her?" Andie yelled angrily.  
  
"I know! Somebody needs to slap some sense into the bitch. I mean, you don't just say that to Spike! Why would anyone ever want to use Spike? He's so gorgeous." Andie chuckled softly.  
  
"It's really kind of pathetic that we still get mad at her even though we knew she would say that. She's been saying every Saturday since I got the damn DVDs, April. I don't even know why we watch this episode any more. We've seen it, like, sixty zillion times."  
  
"I know," April whined. "But look at him. He's so sad."  
  
"Poor guy. She's so mean to him. Sometimes I just wanna sock her right in the--"  
  
"Gut?" April supplied helpfully. Andie shrugged.  
  
"So what episode do you wanna watch next?"  
  
"What's on the list?" Andie picked up a notepad and read aloud the various titles on the list of episodes they had to watch before Andie went home.  
  
"Okay. We got 'Bad Girls,' 'Graduation Day Parts One and Two,' 'I Only Have Eyes for You,' 'Innocence,' 'Once More With Feeling,' 'I Was Made to Love You,' 'Fool For Love,' 'Something Blue,' and 'Restless.'"  
  
"Ooo 'Something Blue,'" Andie grinned.  
  
"I so totally agree. Excellent choice, my friend." Andie pulled the fourth season Buffy DVDs out of the stack that threatened to topple at the slightest touch and carefully removed the sixth season DVD, placing it back in the correct box before putting the new set of episodes into the player.  
  
Creepy music filled the air and April selected the episode. The teaser began rolling and the friends quieted as Willow's sad face filled the screen. The witch gazed longingly down at Oz's forgotten t-shirt and the scene cut to Riley hanging up a 'Lesbian Alliance' poster at UC Sunnydale.  
  
"Why do we even like these people? I mean, we talk about them like they're real. It's really lame," Andie observed.  
  
"I know. We're freaks," April agreed. She paused. "Riley's a poof. Joss should've made Buffy kill him."  
  
"Now, April, we've talked about this. Bottle the rage. She gets with Spike later on."  
  
"I know but I just wanna." April made a violent gesture with her hands at Riley and Andie laughed. "He's so stupid. He's a hick."  
  
"Again with the name calling. You hate every guy on this show that isn't named Spike."  
  
"That's not true. Giles is cool." Andie rolled her eyes.  
  
"He's not even on the show any more. He occasionally guest stars."  
  
"I know, but Tony Head is such a contrast to his character. It's great." The camera focused on Anthony Stewart Head's top half and Andie pointed at the screen.  
  
"I bet he's not wearing any pants right there."  
  
"I'd like to shower sometime today. Alone."  
  
The girls giggled at the visual of Giles standing on top of Spike while water was pouring over them both, Spike tied up, trying his hardest to bite Giles, that floated through their minds at Tony Head's line. For the most part of the episode, they remained quiet so they could hear the witty dialogue that had been written by Joss Whedon or one of his cronies. Except for their favourite scene, when they had to recite a line with Spike.  
  
"Pouty. Look at that lip. Gunna get it."  
  
And then the teenagers burst into gales of laughter.  
  
After that episode, they stuck in the sixth season DVD again and started to watch 'Once More With Feeling' so that they could get halfway through their list and finish the rest in the morning. It was almost 3:30.  
  
The broadway episode had just concluded and the girls were shutting down the video system when Andie felt a sharp tug on her left side. She peered, confused, down at her hand and gasped when her arm was pulled through the television screen. Her and April tumbled helplessly into the television. 


	2. Do You See What I See?

Chapter Two: Do You See What I See?  
  
Andie grunted with pain when she hit the ground. She sat up and rubbed her head soothingly. It was a minute before she thought of April. "April? You here?"  
  
"Yeah. I'm behind you." They stood up and looked around. "What happened?"  
  
"Damned if I know. This place looks familiar." They were in a cemetery. Trees lined the edges of the graveyard. A yell sounded off to the left and they maneuvered around the crypt that was blocking their vision.  
  
A man in a long leather duster with bleached hair that was stylishly slicked back stood going hand-to-hand with a vampire. He pulled out a stake and dusted his opponent, then turned around, grinning in satisfaction. He started when he noticed the two girls that were watching him.  
  
"Who the bloody hell are you two?" Rather than answer right away, Andie spoke to her friend.  
  
"April?" she said softly.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Do you see what I see?"  
  
"If you see Spike, then yep I most certainly do."  
  
"Do I know you?" Spike asked, confused. Andie held an arm out to April.  
  
"Pinch me." April obliged. "Nope.That hurt so I can't be dreaming."  
  
"Maybe I'm dreaming." Spike seemed to be getting a little annoyed that these two girls weren't cowering in fear at the sight of him, or even bothering to answer his questions.  
  
"Bullocks. Nobody's dreaming! Now why are you two sneaking around cemeteries in the wee hours of the morning? Especially around my crypt." Finally, Andie turned her attention to Spike.  
  
"Take us to Buffy."  
  
"Why should I?"  
  
"Because if you don't, I'll tell Buffy the real reason you went to Africa, and then you can have fun trying to convince her to take you back, if you don't get kinda dusty first."  
  
"What page are you on, kitten? Africa? I haven't been there in decades." Andie frowned. She turned to April.  
  
"He doesn't have a soul. Just the chip. This isn't season seven."  
  
"I'm still trying to grasp the fact that we're in Sunnydale. It really doesn't matter to me what season we're in."  
  
"Spike, please, don't argue. Just take us to Buffy."  
  
"Alright, alright." He turned and started walking. They followed him.  
  
"Spike, what was the last exciting thing that happened around Sunnydale? The last demon you guys fought?"  
  
"That would be good ol' Sweet. Couple a days ago, made everybody sing and dance. Not a pretty picture."  
  
"Okay, that would place us between 'Once More With Feeling' and 'Tabula Rasa.' That makes sense, I guess. 'Once More With Feeling' was the last episode we watched."  
  
"So we got sucked through my TV?" April asked skeptically.  
  
"Yes, April. We've covered this."  
  
"Just checking."  
  
"Here you are, pets. The lovely home of the less than pleasant Miss Buffy Summers. Can I go now?"  
  
"No," chorused Andie and April.  
  
"Come on, we're going inside," Andie said sternly. They walked quickly up the walkway to the front door, which Spike opened.  
  
"Slayer," Spike called into the darkness. A shadowy figure appeared at the top of the staircase and a light flickered on.  
  
"What do you want now, Spike?" Buffy started down the staircase. Her hair was tousled and she was dressed in duck pajamas.  
  
"Brought some friends of yours to visit."  
  
"Friends?" Andie and April stepped out from behind the tall vampire. "Hi," Buffy said cautiously. "Have we met?"  
  
"No. Sorry to wake you, but we thought you'd need to know about this, because, well, you're the slayer and you deal with these sorts of phenomena," Andrea said.  
  
"Please, don't use big words. It's four am. I'm not up to comprehending large words." She paused. "Wait, how do you know I'm the slayer?"  
  
"We know everything about you and all your friends."  
  
"Come again?"  
  
"It's a long story. You might wanna get Willow, Dawn, and Tara down here, then call Xander, Anya and Giles. I don't really feel up to repeating myself once I've explained this."  
  
A/N: Yeah, so how do you like my story so far? Huh??? Okay, well, I just wanted to let you know that my friend April, (Yes the one from the story) is also a member of fanfiction.net and she is awesome!! Okay, well, I actually have a point here, see, she just started this 'reversal' as we call it. She took the thing I started here, with us getting sucked into Sunnydale, and made it so that Buffy & the gang got sucked into April's living room!!! ( I'm so excited.okay, I'm alright. Anyway, it's really good. You should check it out. Her pen name is trouble88 and her story is called 'No Way in Hell.' Get it?? No Way in Hell..What on Earth?? Hehe.I'm sorry.bye 


	3. Proving It

Chapter Three: Proving It  
  
"Alright, we're all here. Now, who are you?" Buffy asked tiredly.  
  
"I'm Andie and this is April." The Scoobies and their guests were now assembled in Buffy's living room. It was around 4:30.  
  
"Where are you from?"  
  
"Canada."  
  
"How did you get here?"  
  
"We got sucked through April's TV."  
  
"Okay, you lost me," said Xander.  
  
"We were watching television, and then we were getting ready for bed and the television sucked us inside. We fell into the cemetery and then we saw Spike fighting a vamp. He took us here. That's all we know."  
  
"Why would you end up here if you got sucked into the TV?" asked Dawn, frowning.  
  
"Because in our world, you people are all characters on our favourite show."  
  
"We're TV people? So in your reality, we're not real?" Willow summarized.  
  
"Pretty much."  
  
"What show?" asked Anya. Andie smiled.  
  
"Buffy the Vampire Slayer."  
  
"How do we know you're telling the truth?" Buffy asked suspiciously.  
  
"I bet we can answer any question you guys ask us about yourselves and Sunnydale," challenged April bravely.  
  
"Alright," said Buffy. "What's my full name?" Andie scoffed.  
  
"Too easy," she said.  
  
"Elizabeth Anne Summers," she and April said together.  
  
"Why did they call me William the Bloody?" Spike asked. Nobody could get this question. Not even the sodding Scoobies knew this. Andie grinned slowly and looked up at him.  
  
"Because you used to write bloody awful poetry." Spike's jaw dropped.  
  
"Aw.Did Spike write a wittle poem?" Xander teased.  
  
"I told you. We know everything. Giles used to be called Ripper. He was a bad ass in his teen years. Xander lost his virginity to Faith after helping her relocate her shoulder. Tara thought she was a demon, but it turns out she's not. The Initiative put a chip in Spike's head so that he can't hurt humans. Anya is an ex-vengeance demon. You all wore maroon robes to your high school graduation. Your principal was eaten by the mayor. Dawn's the key. She didn't show up until the fourth or fifth season. Spike first showed up in episode fifteen 'School Hard.' He ran over the "Welcome to Sunnydale' sign, stepped out of his Desoto and said, 'Home sweet home.' He did the same thing in the third season when he came back, except he was really drunk and fell out of his car, then passed out. Buffy killed Angel even though he had a soul and then he came back, blah, blah, blah." She looked over at April. "What did I forget?"  
  
"You didn't say anything about Glory and Ben or how Buffy jumped off that tower to save the world and then Spike counted the exact number of days she was gone, 147. And you forgot about how Riley was a big poof." Spike laughed at April's last comment.  
  
"I like these girls," he said to the Scoobies.  
  
"We could probably quote at least one line from each of you," Andie reasoned.  
  
"Do it, do it," Dawn said.  
  
"Okay." Andie pointed at Buffy. " 'I'm an old fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and women have the babies.'" Buffy nodded.  
  
"Yep. I did say that."  
  
" 'The fifteen year old can spend half an hour alone in her locked house,'" Andie nodded at Dawn. " 'I've been saying it all along. The lunch lady's gunna kill us with that Mulligan stew. I mean, what the hell is a mulligan?"  
  
"I said that. Incredible. That was, like, four years ago," Xander admitted.  
  
"Third season. Episode called 'Earshot.' Buffy gets infected with an aspect of a demon and becomes telepathic," Andie elaborated.  
  
"Oh, oh, do me," said Willow eagerly.  
  
" 'I'm so evil and . skanky. And I think I'm kinda gay.'"  
  
"Wow. That was so long ago. Remember vampire Willow?" The gang nodded, except for Spike and Tara. They weren't in that episode. "I wonder what ever happened to her."  
  
"She died. Got staked by Oz seconds after returning to her world," April said sympathetically.  
  
"Oh." Willow frowned. Dawn clapped.  
  
"Do Spike now."  
  
"Okay.um." Andie hesitated, then smiled devilishly. " 'A warm spring breeze tosses the leaves aside and once again we'll be registering as Mr. and Mrs. Big Pile of Dust.'"  
  
"When was that?" asked Xander.  
  
"In the episode 'Something Blue.' When Willow cast the do-thy-will spell. Buffy was trying to convince Spike to have an outdoor wedding. Giles doesn't have a whole lot of great lines, but he does have some. I just can't remember any right now. But he did say to Angel, 'A vampire in love with a slayer. It's rather poetic, in a Maudlin sort of way.'"  
  
"She's correct. I did say that. So you know everything about us."  
  
"Yup. Sorry."  
  
"You say that you watched us interact with each other on TV?" Andie nodded.  
  
"What was it you were chatting about on the way here?" Spike asked. "Something about a table of roses?" Andie rolled her eyes.  
  
" 'Tabula Rasa,' Spike." Willow frowned.  
  
"That's a spell. It makes you forget stuff."  
  
"It's also the title of an episode. April and I were talking about how right now we're between 'Once More With Feeling' and 'Tabula Rasa.'"  
  
"What do you mean 'between them'?" Giles asked, cleaning his glasses.  
  
"Right now, you guys are in the middle of the sixth season. In my reality, this time period qualifies as reruns."  
  
"We're from your future," April summarized. 


	4. Altering the Future

Chapter Four: Altering The Future  
  
"Our future? So you know what happens to us three weeks from now?" Xander asked.  
  
"Yeah.Oh man. April, if we accidentally let something slip, it could alter their future. It could screw everything up."  
  
"So that's why I didn't know what the bloody hell you were talking about when you said I went to Africa. I haven't gone yet."  
  
"Shoot. See, he knows now. This could stop him from ever going at all," Andie said softly.  
  
"But then he would never get his--" Andie's hand covered April's mouth before she could complete the thought.  
  
"Don't say it. We can't tell them anything that they don't already know." April nodded and Andie pulled her hand away. Spike was frowning at them.  
  
"What do I get?"  
  
"Nothing, nothing. You don't get anything. Ever again."  
  
"Is it possible for us to see one of the episodes?" Giles asked. "I'm still not entirely sure I believe you."  
  
"Uh, yeah. I've got my DVDs in my backpack." Andie shrugged off the heavy pack onto the floor and unzipped it. "What episode do you guys wanna watch?" She pulled out the six boxes of DVDs and set them on the table. Dawn reached for the top one, season six, and Andie grabbed it away. "Sorry, you can't watch that one. Half of it is from your future. But you can watch one of the episodes from the first five seasons."  
  
"What are your favourite episodes?" Buffy asked. Andie watched, amused, as Spike pulled season three from its box and let it unravel. He grabbed the end of it and brought it closer to his face.  
  
"Hey, it's me. And I look good." He turned the box around and showed everyone the disk with his face on it. Andrea laughed softly before answering Buffy.  
  
"Um.I like 'Something Blue,' 'Once More With Feeling,' and 'Gone.'"  
  
" 'Something Blue' is the do-thy-will-spell episode, right?" Buffy asked. Andie nodded. "What about the other two?"  
  
" 'Once More With Feeling' is last week in your reality. When you all sing and dance. 'Gone' is from later this season and I can't tell you what happens because it could alter your reality."  
  
"Let's watch us sing and dance," Dawn said enthusiastically.  
  
"Yeah," said April. Andie winced.  
  
"We can't."  
  
"Why not?" April frowned.  
  
"Because of the ending. They don't know about that," she said, waving at Willow, Tara, Giles, Dawn, Xander and Anya. April's eyes widened.  
  
"Oh, right."  
  
"If they found out now, Buffy and Sp--" This time, April slapped a hand over Andie's mouth.  
  
"Buffy and Spike what?" Dawn asked curiously.  
  
"Nothing," chorused April and Andie.  
  
"Bloody hell," cursed Spike. "This is going to get right confusing, it is."  
  
"What's your favourite me moment?" asked Anya.  
  
"I like the one with Xander. It would have only happened last week for you. When you're lying in bed and he asks if you want breakfast, then you say, 'You don't have to go to work?' and Xander goes, 'I shut the crew down for the day. My guys start dancing around me, I don't know if I could deal. It's a flab thing. So, waffles?' and you say, 'Will you still make me waffles when we're married?' and Xander says, 'No, I'll only make them for myself, but by California law, you will own half of them.'"  
  
"Yeah, that was funny wasn't it?" Anya asked.  
  
"You see us in bed?" Xander looked mortified.  
  
"Yup. We know all your secrets."  
  
"Andie, stop trying to scare people," April scolded.  
  
"Aw, but it's so much fun."  
  
"So, episode?" Buffy prompted their attention back to playing an episode for the Scoobies.  
  
"I think we'd be safe with 'Fool For Love,' don't you, April?"  
  
"Yeah. Might be slightly embarrassing," she said with a side glance at Spike, "but it should be interesting."  
  
"My thoughts exactly," agreed her friend.  
  
"Embarrassing for who?" Dawn asked mischievously.  
  
"Spike," April and Andie said together.  
  
"You know, Buffy," started Andie. "I hate to say it, but sometimes you get really mean. Countless is the number of times we've thrown popcorn at the TV because you said something cruel to poor Spike."  
  
"Yeah, you can be a real bitch. Poor guy," scolded April. Spike grinned. Buffy gaped.  
  
"Me? What did I ever do to him?"  
  
"Just watch this episode and you'll find out." 


	5. The Gift

Chapter 5: The Gift  
  
"Oh, my God, Buffy. You're mean!" Willow scolded. "You made him cry."  
  
"It didn't seem so mean when I did it. And that was, like, two years ago."  
  
"I didn't sodding cry. That's wrong. Some poof screwed it up."  
  
"I told you it would be embarrassing," Andie said softly.  
  
"Yeah, you weren't kidding about the popcorn throwing," Dawn said, referring to the many bits of popcorn strewn on the floor.  
  
"Aw, poor wittle Spike got rejected," Xander teased.  
  
"Shut up, you nancy."  
  
"Or what? You'll cry on me?" Spike started toward Xander, ready to be particularly violent, but Andie laid a hand on his leather-covered arm.  
  
"I had no idea you were so sensitive, Spike," Anya said. Andie helped April gather up the DVDs.  
  
"Satisfied, now, Giles?"  
  
"Quite. It seems you're telling the truth."  
  
"Hey, Andie. I know what we could show them that would make them all cry," April said softly. Andie met her friend's blue gaze and read her mind.  
  
" 'The Gift.'" A grin spread slowly across her face.  
  
"I get a present?" Buffy asked.  
  
"No. It's an episode title. You guys up for another episode?" They nodded and Andie put the correct DVD in the player.  
  
The opening credits rolled and everyone's eyes widened at seeing themselves with new names. Andie had purposely fast-forwarded through the credits in the other episode.  
  
"Hey, cool, my name is Amber," said Tara.  
  
"Emma Caulfield? That woman stole my f ace."  
  
"Michelle. Okay." "James Marsters? My name is James? What kind of a poofter name is James?"  
  
"Relax, you guys. Holy crap," April said. "And James happens to be a very sexy name." Spike considered that for a moment, before returning to his previous reaction.  
  
"What about you, Buffy? Do you like your name?"  
  
"Sarah Michelle Gellar. I can deal."  
  
"I like it," said Dawn. "You get three names. Like Giles."  
  
"What are our actors like in your world?" asked Willow curiously.  
  
"Uh.I guess we know the most about James," Andie admitted timidly.  
  
"How come?" Dawn asked.  
  
"Because he's gorgeous," April and Andie chorused. What little colour Spike had rushed to his face.  
  
"Okay, James was born in Greenville and raised in Medesto."  
  
"California?" asked Buffy.  
  
"I'm a bloody Yank?"  
  
"Yes, Spike. You went to Julliard. You know, the acting school. You got expelled after two years. You're divorced and you like football, writing songs and playing the guitar. You live in LA and get really upset because you can't go outside. You'll get a tan. And you have to work out a whole lot to get your cheeks to do that sunken thing. You have a brother and a sister. You're left handed. You dated Liz Stauber from the movie 'Teaching Mrs. Tingle.'"  
  
"Right. She bugs me."  
  
"Yeah, me too," agreed Andie. "Uh.Sarah Michelle Gellar is married to Freddie Prince Jr."  
  
"Oh, my God, Buffy! You married Freddie?" Dawn looked horrified. "I told you he was mine."  
  
"Alyson Hannigan was in both American Pie movies. And Tony Head hates to wear pants."  
  
"How do you know that?" Giles asked.  
  
"Joss said so."  
  
"Joss?"  
  
"The writer and creator of the show. Joss Whedon." They quieted down and concentrated on the episode.  
  
"Wow, Dawn, I had no idea you were so.obnoxious to Glory. Good job," praised Buffy.  
  
Mostly through the episode they were fairly quiet, mainly remembering what had happened on the night Buffy defeated Glory. The Buffybot fighting Glory.Willow and Tara happy because Tara's okay. Buffy bringing out that weird glowy orb thing that was like Glory's kryptonight. Xander with the wrecking ball.Giles killing Ben.Spike on the tower.Dawn's blood dripping down her legs and opening the portal.Buffy's goodbye speech.  
  
Andie looked around the room. The faces of the Scoobies were very grave. Hearing Buffy's speech to Dawn was a very emotional experience to everyone. Buffy was staring at her hands. Dawn, Willow and Tara were crying silently. Giles's eyes were moist, but he blinked back tears, as did Xander. Anya looked vaguely distracted. Spike was keeping to the shadows in the corner of the room, away from the others. He probably didn't want anyone to see him cry.  
  
The scene switched to show Buffy's body sprawled lifelessly on some crates. Willow and Tara were holding each other. Xander was with Anya. Dawn and Giles were kind of off to the side. Spike was all alone, collapsed on the ground. Andie felt tears slip down her cheeks and looked over at April. She had the same problem.  
  
"Told you so," April said with a grim smile.  
  
"Why are you two crying?" asked Buffy. "You guys didn't even know me when this happened."  
  
"We're not crying because you died," Andie explained. "Although it was sad. We're crying because we feel bad for Spike. Look at him." She pointed at the screen. "He looks so sad."  
  
"Thanks," Buffy said sarcastically. "It's nice to know you care."  
  
"Well, give me a break. We knew you wouldn't stay dead."  
  
"How?"  
  
"It's your show! You can't kill off the main character. That's like TV show suicide." 


	6. Oops

Chapter Six: Oops  
  
"So, what are we supposed to do now?" April asked.  
  
"I guess we should get some sleep. We'll figure something else out in the morning," Buffy suggested. "Xander, Anya and Giles, you guys should head home. Andie, April, you can stay here tonight."  
  
"Are you sure? We could probably find a motel open."  
  
"I'm sure. Don't argue. Dawn, will you take Andie's backpack upstairs please?" She turned back to Andie. "You can borrow some of my clothes to sleep in." Andie frowned.  
  
"They won't fit." Buffy looked her up and down.  
  
"Yeah, you're right. They might be a bit big." Andie's eyes widened considerably.  
  
"A bit big?"  
  
"What are you smoking?" April asked.  
  
"Don't worry, you can wear Dawn's stuff if mine's too big for you."  
  
"Why do you keep saying that?" Andie looked down at herself and jumped, startled. "Oh, my God. Where's the rest of me?" She waved a hand directly in front of her stomach. She was tiny, about a size four. Then she glanced at April. "Where's the rest of you?"  
  
"Good question. I'm suddenly wondering why we didn't notice this sooner."  
  
"I guess we were kinda preoccupied. Buffy, do you have a mirror around?"  
  
"Yeah, right over there." Andie stepped infront of the mirror and gazed at herself. All traces of acne had vanished, as had any access body fat she had had in her reality.  
  
"Oh, man. I'm a hottie."  
  
"So, you guys are saying, this isn't what you normally look like?" Willow asked, confused.  
  
"Yeah. I'm still blonde and my eyes are the same colour. I'm me, minus a few zits and a couple dozen pounds. I look taller, too."  
  
"It's like we're what we always wanted to be," observed April. "Like this is our perfect reality."  
  
"Perfect reality? You guys are strange, strange little girls," Xander said, shaking his head.  
  
"Hey, we're not that little. We're eighteen. Not that much younger than you."  
  
"Hey, Andie. This fell out of your backpack. What is it?" Dawn, who was now about to lug her pack up the stairs, held up a large binder.  
  
"Dawn, that's none of your business," scolded Buffy.  
  
"No, it's okay. That's The Book of Sexiness."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Andie and I compiled a book of pictures of the sexiest men on Earth. That's it," explained April calmly.  
  
"Can I see?" Dawn asked hopefully.  
  
"Sure, go ahead." Dawn opened the book, flipping appreciatively through the pages. Suddenly, she gazed down at one page, looked up at Spike, then down at the book again and laughed.  
  
"What?" asked Spike. He strode over to Dawn and relieved her of the book. She was still laughing. Spike looked down into the photo album and scratched his head appreciatively, cocking it to one side. Then he smirked arrogantly. "You girls have good taste." Andie grinned at him and shrugged as he quickly showed everyone a particularly hot picture of him.  
  
"What can I say? You're gorgeous."  
  
"Stop it," Xander commanded. "You're freakin' me out."  
  
"Hush, Monkey Boy," commanded April. Spike laughed.  
  
"Yeah, I definitely like these girls." He frowned for a moment. "When was this picture taken?" Andie looked over his arm at the picture he was referring to. He was making out with Buffy in The Bronze. She winced and snatched the book away from him.  
  
"Oops," she said. "You weren't supposed to see that."  
  
"That's what happens in my future?" Spike smirked.  
  
"Yeah. It was supposed to happen next week, but now it's all screwed up and it probably won't happen and oh, God, get me out of here before I destroy everything."  
  
"What?" Buffy asked, still oblivious to what was depicted in the photo.  
  
"Nothing, pet," Spike chuckled. "You'll just have to wait and see." 


	7. Surprises

Chapter 7: Surprises  
  
"Hey," Buffy looked up from the heavy text in front of her, surprised.  
  
"Greetings," said Andie, sitting down at the table with the Scoobies.  
  
"Sup," April grunted.  
  
"Sleep well?" Willow asked sarcastically. It was almost one o'clock and this was the first they'd seen of their other-reality friends since they'd gone to bed.  
  
"Hey, give us a break. We're still running on Canadian time," April objected.  
  
"I wasn't really expecting you guys to turn up here," Buffy admitted.  
  
"Why not? It's only fair that we lend a helping hand with the glorious researchy fun," Andie observed, propping her feet on the table.  
  
"Well, I just. . .you know. . .didn't expect you to know your way around town. But I realize now what a foolish assumption that was."  
  
"No problem. What do we have so far?"  
  
"Well, based on what you told us--" Willow started.  
  
"Hey, do you guys have hockey in this dimension?" Andie interrupted. Buffy frowned.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Hockey? Ice. Sticks. Little black circles. Ringin' any bells?"  
  
"Of course, we have hockey. We're not complete freaks."  
  
"Just wondering. I don't think I've ever seen an episode with hockey in it." She waved a hand, motioning Willow to begin again. "Please continue."  
  
"Well, you said that you guys were just packing up your DVDs when you get sucked through the TV, right?" Andie and April nodded. "The only thing I've found so far that even remotely resembles this situation was back in the 1950s. Something about the alignment of the planets. Apparently, when the planets are in a certain position, a dimensional portal opens for around two minutes."  
  
"So you think maybe we got sucked through this portal?"  
  
"I guess, it's possible."  
  
"And we don't know if this is ever going to happen again?" Dawn frowned. "They could be stuck here forever."  
  
"Hmm. Maybe that wouldn't be so bad." Andrea looked vaguely intrigued.  
  
"What about Cody?" April whined. Andie rolled her eyes. Xander smiled.  
  
"Who's Cody?" he teased in a sing-song voice.  
  
"Is he good in bed?" Anya asked, finally joining the conversation.  
  
"I don't know," April answered calmly.  
  
"Yet," Andie mumbled. April smacked her in the arm. "So there's no other record of this ever happening?" she turned back to Willow.  
  
"Not so far. . .Oh, wait a gosh-darn minute. Here, it says back in 1902, that a group of people disappeared from a party. They were listening to a record player at the time."  
  
"They got sucked into a record player?" April giggled. "Bet they got dizzy after a while."  
  
"So this happens, like, every fifty years?" Andie asked. Willow nodded. "We have to stay here until I'm sixty-eight. Possibilities. . ."  
  
"Oh, my God!" April jumped up. "Andie, we'd have to be on the TV show!"  
  
"Wow, you're right. That is so very cool." She paused. "But then, wouldn't all the episodes change? Because there's two new characters?" April's smile melted away.  
  
"Oh, oh, wait!" Willow said suddenly. "The book documents that planets being in a position that opens a portal about a week after. I'd have to do some calculations to be sure, but. . ."  
  
"We can leave in a week?" Andie asked.  
  
"I think so. We'd have to figure out exactly where you'd have to be at the exact time, but that's probably where you landed in the first place."  
  
"Awesome. So we have a week to hang around Sunnydale doing stuff we never thought we'd be able to do! This is great." Andie gave April a high-five, totally psyched by the endless possibilities. "You know what this calls for, right?"  
  
"Oh, totally." Andie jumped up and ran into the middle of the room, then, realizing she had no clue where anything was, looked at Anya.  
  
"Do you have a CD player in here?" she squeaked.  
  
"Over by the cash register," Anya supplied, looking slightly confused. Andie ran over to the counter and whipped her backpack off her shoulders. She dug around inside it for a second and then pulled out a CD. She opened it and placed it inside the player. Selecting the song, she glanced up at Buffy.  
  
"Tell me you don't melt at this guys voice," she challenged. The song began to play and a gorgeous male voice filled the room.  
  
*She comes home to me after a hard night's work Falls in my arms and sleeps like a bird Startled, wakes up like she don't know me Cocks back her fist like she's goin' to slug me Like who are you anyway and what are you doing to me?*  
  
"Wow, what a pretty song," Dawn cooed. Buffy's brow wrinkled.  
  
"It's called Angel," Andie said.  
  
"Who is that guy? He sounds familiar." Andie and April grinned conspiratorially.  
  
"The band is called Ghost of the Robot, but the lead singer is named James Martsers."  
  
James Marsters. She knew that name. She'd heard, or read, it somewhere. Wait a second. . .  
  
"Oh, my God. That's SPIKE?" Buffy shrieked. Andie nodded enthusiastically. "No way. I don't believe you. I - " Her denial was cut off by Xander's sharp burst of laughter.  
  
"What's so bleeding funny, Whelp?" Spike asked, tossing a smoking blanket to the ground.  
  
A/N: Sorry about the taking-a-while-to-update thing, but you know how it is with the five stories at a time thing. Kinda difficult. Oh, well. I'll try a little harder, I promise. And by the way, I appreciate all the reviews I'm getting. I hope I don't disappoint you with how this all works out. 


	8. Tabula Rasa

A/N: I know there's a lot of stuff in this chapter that I could have changed and didn't, and if you're a little confused as to why, the answer is that I probably just thought it was terribly funny. ;) enjoy! Oh, and one of the lines is from Teaching Mrs. Tingle. Don't sue me.  
  
Chapter 8: Tabula Rasa  
Andie and April were pressed spy-style against the wall, peering around the corner as Willow held the crystal to the fire for a moment. They looked comical, if completely ridiculous.  
  
"When the fire goes out, when the crystal turns black, the spell will be cast. Tabula rasa, tabula rasa, tabula rasa."  
  
Then she stuffed the crystal back into her pocket and ran out of the house.  
  
"So what do we do now?" April asked her friend. "The episode's started."  
  
"We should just hide out here in the house until it's over. We wouldn't want to mess up the future." She looked completely serious, but her hazel eyes took on a mischievous glint.  
  
"Even though we've probably royally screwed up the plot already. It could cause many unnatural things to happen," agreed April. It was very difficult to ignore the gleam in Andrea's eyes as she answered.  
  
"Most importantly, it would be wrong."  
  
* * *  
  
Andrea clapped her hands together, rubbing them playfully as she and April looked around the Magic Box at the collapsed forms of the Scoobies scattered throughout the shop.  
  
"Where to start, where to start?"  
  
"We're bad, bad girls," April scolded, smirking.  
  
"Oh, totally. C'mere, I can't lift Spike on my own."  
  
They stepped over Buffy's limp body and moved to the display case Spike had fallen asleep on.  
  
"How long until they wake up?" Andie asked as she grabbed hold of the completely unstylish tweed suit jacket Spike had worn in 'Restless' and yanked viciously. They were unable to stifle snorts of laughter when he toppled off the case, hitting the floor with a dull thud.  
  
"We have until past sundown. Probably about twenty minutes to a half hour," April assured, wiping tears of amusement from her eyes as they dragged Spike over to Buffy's body. They carefully arranged Buffy and Spike into a nice, cuddly position, dusting off their pants in satisfaction when they were done. "Oh, oh wait." April moved quickly to Anya and pulled off her engagement ring, tossing it to Andie.  
  
"We're gunna burn in hell for this," she predicted, slipping the diamond ring on Buffy's ring finger.  
  
"It'll be a party."  
  
Finished with Buffy and Spike, they took Anya off Giles' lap and replaced her with Xander.  
  
"Should we do anything else?"  
  
"I dunno. Maybe we've done enough damage as it is."  
  
Buffy stirred and Andie winced.  
  
"Quick, hide." They hadn't realized twenty minutes had gone by so fast. April was shoved into the training room in the back before she could say 'Randy and Joan.'  
  
The Scoobies began to wake one by one. Willow blinked her eyes open, yelping slightly when she noticed the strange woman she was snuggled up against. Her screech startled Anya awake, who forced a casual smile when she noticed the red head.  
  
"Hey."  
  
"Uh, hey?"  
  
Tara stretched in a manner much like that of a feline, blushing profusely when she noticed other people were around her. Giles and Xander looked at each other with confusion.  
  
"Hello," Giles greeted. Xander jumped up off Giles' lap, screaming in a very unmacho way.  
  
Spike rolled a little and toppled down the steps of the Magic Box, yelling in pain at his rude awakening. His yell woke Dawn. At that time, everyone was now awake. Dawn was terrified.  
  
"Who. . .Who are you guys?" Dawn asked timidly, pushing her hair away from her face. Buffy reached out to her, but she shrunk away.  
  
"It's alright. I'm. . ." She frowned. "Uh. . . I'm . . ."  
  
"Who are you, strange woman who seems to enjoy cuddling other women?" Anya asked Willow, who frowned.  
  
"You don't know me? But you were just all like 'Hey'." Anya shrugged. "Well, I'm . . Not sure who I am . . .exactly. . ."  
  
"Why was I on you're lap? Who are you? Is this some kind of psych test? Am I getting paid for this?" Xander was very paranoid.  
  
"Does anyone remember anything?" Giles asked, ignoring Xander's ranting. They all shook their heads.  
  
"It's okay. I think we're safe. None of us looks all hatchet murder-y, so we should be safe here. Wherever here is . . ." Everyone finally took a moment to look around.  
  
"It looks like a Magic Shop. Look at these jars. . .and. . .and books," Tara said.  
  
"Magic," Giles scoffed. "Magic is all balderdash and chicanery. I'm afraid we don't know a bloody thing. Except I seem to be British, don't I? And a man. With glasses. Well, that narrows it down considerably."  
  
"I'm scared." Dawn seemed to be holding back tears. Buffy put her arm comfortingly around Dawn's shoulders.  
  
"It's okay. We'll take care of each other, all right?" Dawn nodded jerkily.  
  
"Yes, we'll get back our memories and everything will be right as rain," Giles assured them.  
  
"Oh listen to Mary Poppins! Got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy-boy accent. You Englishmen are always so -- Bloody hell." He ticked off his fingers one by one. Sodding . . . blimy. . . shagging . . . knickers . . .bullocks -- oh no." He took on a horrified look. "I'm English." Giles sighed.  
  
"Welcome to the nancy tribe." Spike's gaze traveled over Giles, a disgusted look on his face.  
  
"You don't suppose. . .You and I . . . We're not related, are we?"  
  
"There is a ruggedly handsome resemblance," Xander conceded.  
  
"And you do inspire a particular feeling of familiarity... and disappointment. . .Older brother?" Giles suggested weakly. Spike scoffed.  
  
"Father!" He glared at Giles. "My god how I must hate you."  
  
"What did I do?"  
  
"Oh, there's always something."  
  
"And what's with the trollop?" Giles said, pointing at Buffy.  
  
"Hey!" Buffy protested. Spike looked taken aback.  
  
"Her?"  
  
"I saw you. . .sleeping together," Giles accused.  
  
"Resting together."  
  
"Look," Buffy said, excitedly showing them her left hand. "It's okay, we're engaged." Spike glanced shyly at Buffy.  
  
"Oh." Then he turned back to Giles. "What about you? You've got a man- whore." Xander started menacingly toward Spike, but Giles stopped him. "I've got a tarty step-dad who's half old Daddy's age."  
  
"Tarty?" Xander repeated incredulously.  
  
"Old? I'm young enough to still get carded --"  
  
"Carded! Driver's Licenses!" They all scrambled through their pockets. Xander held up his license first. "Look! Me! Alexander Harris. Cute picture. Hey, I exist!"  
  
"I'm Willow Rosenberg. 'Willow'! . . .Funny name."  
  
"I think it's pretty," Tara assured shyly.  
  
"What do you got?" Willow leaned closer to Tara, attempting to get a better look at her card.  
  
"Tara. And look, I'm a student at UC Sunnydale."  
  
"Me too! Maybe we're study buddies," Willow said excitedly, happy to have potential friend.  
  
"I don't have a wallet," Dawn admitted to Buffy sadly.  
  
"Don't worry, me neither. But here..." She touched Dawn's 'nameplate' necklace. "You're 'Dawn'. Dawn looked down at the necklace, reading it upside-down.  
  
"Or 'Umad'." They smiled.  
  
"I'm called, let's see, 'Rupert Giles'," he announced, going through his billfold.  
  
"Rupert," Spike teased, smirking.  
  
"You're not too old to take over my knee... Son. What did I call you anyway?" Spike patted his back pocket, no wallet. Nothing in his interior pocket either. Then he read a label inside:  
  
"'Made with care for Randy'. . .'Randy' Giles?! Why didn't you just name me 'Horny Giles' or 'Desperate-for-a-shag Giles'? I knew there was a reason I hated you!" He glared at his 'father.' Giles immediately went on the defensive.  
  
"Randy's a family name. Undoubtedly."  
  
"I've got a name on my jacket too." She read the embroidery over her heart. "'Harris'."  
  
"Harris? That's my last name. Hey, maybe I have a brother and you go out with him." He paused. ". . . or, maybe you go out with me."  
  
"I guess maybe you're my boyfriend."  
  
"Either that or I have one pissed off brother out there somewhere." Then something struck him and he grinned, jumping up and down happily. "See? I'm not marrying the scary old man." He pulled Willow into a tight hug, ignoring the offended look on Giles' face.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
A/N: I am going to continue this chapter, just in a little while, because I got sick of typing. Enjoy what you've got. 


	9. Tabula Rasa Part 2

Chapter 9: Tabula Rasa-- Part 2  
  
"Hey, I'm Anya," she said, pronouncing her name 'Ann-ya.' She stuck a key in the interior lock of the Magic Box. "My key fits the lock and I found some forms by the register that say Rupert and Anya own the shop together," she continued proudly. "That's me. Anya Shop-owner." Giles looked around slowly.  
  
"This is our magic shop? Well, that's... very progressive of me. You know it truly is a small mind that fails to acknowledge the, um, alternatives to our rational, scientific understanding of the universe." His gaze fell on something interesting and he changed the subject. "Oh look! Fancy herbs!"  
  
"So you don't have a name?" Dawn asked Buffy.  
  
"Of course I do. I just don't happen to know it," she said defensively.  
  
"You want me to name you?"  
  
"That's sweet, but I think I can name myself. I'll name me.. Joan."  
  
"Ug!" Dawn groaned involuntarily.  
  
"What? Why'd you 'ug' my name?" Buffy looked hurt.  
  
"I didn't. It's just so.. .blarg. 'Joan'?"  
  
"I like it. I feel like a Joan."  
  
"Fine. That's your purgative."  
  
"Prerogative," Buffy corrected.  
  
"Whatever. 'Joan'."  
  
"Whatever. 'Umad'."  
  
Then, at the same time, Buffy said, "Boy you're a pain in the neck," and Dawn said, "Boy you're bossy." An idea seemed to overcome the both of them.  
  
"Do you think we're-" started Dawn.  
  
"Sisters." It felt so true, neither could deny it. They grinned at each other and hugged. Spike turned to Giles, sneering.  
  
"You never showed me affection like that. I'd wager."  
  
Back in the training room, their was a great deal of hilarity ensuing.  
  
"Shhhhh," Andie begged, waving her arms frantically in an attempt to get April to stop laughing. The hilarious movement only prompted more laughter.  
  
"But its. . .so . . .funny. . .," April gasped between giggles.  
  
"I know, but they'll hear us. When they get their memories back, we're going to be in enough trouble without them finding us now. How would we explain us? Huh?" April immediately sobered.  
  
"We could fake that we lost our memories, too, then when they get their memories back, they can't blame us for screwing around with them, because they'll think we were in the same state they are," she said. Andie grinned.  
  
"Excellent." They stood at the door, preparing for the performance of a lifetime. Andie stretched her arms and neck. "No memory. No memory," she chanted. She took a deep breath and threw open the door.  
  
"Dad can drive. He's bound to have some classic mid-life crisis transport: something red, shiny, shaped like a penis," Spike was suggesting.  
  
Everyone turned and looked at Andie and April, who had just entered the room. "Who're you?" April asked. Andie turned to April when she spoke, jumping as if she'd just noticed her for the first time.  
  
"Who am I?" Andie said. "Who is everybody?"  
  
"I'm Alex," Xander said proudly.  
  
"Rupert."  
  
"Willow Rosenburg. And this is Tara."  
  
"I'm Dawn."  
  
"I'm Anya Shop-owner."  
  
"Joan." Finally, there was only Spike left.  
  
"I'm. . .Randy Giles," he said reluctantly, wincing at the name.  
  
"Why are you here?"  
  
"Not a clue," Spike admitted. "You?" Andie shrugged.  
  
"Do you two have drivers licenses?" Willow asked helpfully. Andie stuffed her hand into the pocket of her jeans and felt around. She peered into the contents of her hand, when she pulled it out. She had purposely left her license at Buffy's for just such an occasion.  
  
"Nope. I got a few Skittles, a business card with a number on the back. . ." She frowned. "A condom. Mint flavored. . . .and a rubber ball. No license. What about you?" she asked April.  
  
"Yep. I'm. . .Dennis B. Parker," she read off the card. "Wait, that can't be me. I don't have a mustache." She reached up and felt her upper lip.  
  
"I'll name you if you name me," Andie suggested, grinning devilishly.  
  
"Okay. You're. . .Kendall," April said finally.  
  
"Fair enough. You can be Jan."  
  
"Jan?" April groaned.  
  
"Hey, we had an agreement!" Buffy shook her head, and jerked the door to the shop open. She screamed and slammed it shut, just as one of the vampires called out 'Slayer'.  
  
"Did you guys see what I - " she started.  
  
"Vampires!" Spike said.  
  
"Maybe it's Halloween," Tara suggested uneasily.  
  
"Doesn't feel like Halloween," Dawn said.  
  
"Even if it is, those were definitely not kids and they were definitely not wearing costumes. Randy's right. We got vampires!" Xander replied nervously. The vampires banged on the door, rattling the doorknob in frustration.  
  
"And I don't think they're knockin' for candy," he finished.  
  
"Doors! We should check for other doors, make sure they're locked and then put big heavy things in front of them! Come on!" Willow said. She grabbed Xander and disappeared into the back of the shop.  
  
"Monsters are real... Did we know this?" Buffy asked, processing everything that had happened.  
  
"I don't know. We n-need our memories back! We have to get to the hospital!" Tara said.  
  
"Speaking as the proprietor of a Magic Shop, I propose we fight back. We can use things here in the shop, magic... tricks or whatever they call-" Giled got cut off when a vampire slammed against the front window angrily. "Send out Spike!" he called. "They seem to want spikes," Giles observed. "Oh, I saw some . . ." Spike moved to Giles desk and returned with a handful of stakes. "Here, let's give 'em these." "Slayer! Come out and play!" was heard from behind the door. "Slay her! That's just what they said before!" Tara said. "There going to use those spikes to -" "To slay someone. A female someone," Andie interrupted lamely. "That's what I was going to say. . ." Buffy suddenly looked angry. "Who do those jerks think they are?" "Bloodsuckers, that kill, by sucking blood," Anya answered. "Take it easy, Joan."  
  
A/N: Just incase you were wondering, there was a reason behind Andie and April's new names. Kendall was who Sarah Michelle Gellar played on All My Children and Jan was who Alyson Hannigan played on Roseanne. 


	10. Tabula Rasa Part 3

Chapter 10: Tabula Rasa Part 3  
  
Willow and Xander appeared in the room again. They quickly explained that they'd found a trap door in the basement, and Anya took on an excited look.  
  
"Let's go then," she said. The group moved toward the basement door as the window shattered and the door flew open with a loud bang. Clearly not having a clue what to do, the terrified group backed into the front corner of the shop. Xander comically fell to his knees and began to pray to the ceiling.  
  
"Now I'm not sure what I am, so bear with me here, okay? Um, Now I lay me down to sleep... Shema Israel...uh, Ohm, Ohm."  
  
One of the violent monsters roughly shoved Spike against the wall.  
  
"You owe us," he spat. Spike quickly reached into his pocket and tossed the handful of stakes to the floor at the vampire's feet.  
  
"Fine. Take your damn spikes!" He looked shocked for a moment.  
  
"Don't be stupid." The other vampire grabbed Buffy from behind, holding her in the air. She wriggled frantically, kicking her legs out.  
  
"Let go 'a me, you son of a -" The rest of her demand was cut off when the vamp clamped a hand over her mouth.  
  
"I said, you owe us," the vampire repeated to Spike.  
  
"Who, me?"  
  
"You got the boss's kittens." The statement caused Spike to stare incredulously at the demon that had him pinned to the Magic shop's wall.  
  
"Kittens?" he repeated.  
  
Buffy's teeth sunk into her captor's hand and he cursed before she kicked him in the groin. He automatically dropped the tiny woman. The vampire dealing with Spike had evidently become fed up and attempted to attack. Buffy instinctively grabbed a stake.  
  
"Stay away from Randy!" she yelled, plunging the wooden stick into the vamp's chest. Her expression was shocked when he turned to dust and poofed onto the floor.  
  
"Whoa," Dawn exclaimed.  
  
"What did you just do?" Willow asked.  
  
"I don't know." She grinned. "But it was cool." The remaining vampire leapt out the broken window. Spike moved to the front door, sliding the security gate across the window to prevent another attack. Then he turned back to Buffy, protectively sliding his arm around his 'fiancée's' waist.  
  
"You okay, love?" he asked tenderly. Andie and April's amused smirks went unnoticed. Buffy ignored him, still in awe of her own strength.  
  
"I think I know why Joan's the boss. I'm like a super hero or something." Spike grinned proudly and hugged her closer. "Mmm. You smell nice, Randy."  
  
"I've got a plan," Andie interrupted, eager for the 'episode' to continue.  
  
"All ears," Xander said.  
  
"They seem to want Randy. And Joan seems to be pretty strong. Wicked strong. So, while you all go through the sewer and find the hospital, Randy and Joan'll give the monsters a run for their money." April gaped at her. Acting was fun.  
  
"That's your plan?" she asked.  
  
"Yes, Jan." April shrugged.  
  
"Right."  
  
"I'm not leaving the shop," Anya insisted. "I need to protect the cash register and... do spells."  
  
"Perhaps magic can help us. It's worth a shot," Giles agreed.  
  
"Alright. You two work on that then. We gotta go. Ready Randy?" Buffy asked. He nodded, aware of the danger.  
  
"Ready Joan," Spike assured. This earned snorts from Andie and April. He frowned at them. "You two okay?"  
  
"Yeah, we're good." Buffy and Spike then headed for the door, but were stopped by an inquiry from Giles.  
  
"Son?" he said to Spike. He turned. "Come here please." He embraced Spike, who stiffened uncomfortably and they clapped each other on the back.  
  
"Right," Spike muttered when he pulled away.  
  
"Good then," Giles mumbled softly.  
  
Spike and Buffy threw open the door and ran straight into the waiting pack of vampires. Catching the four vampires off guard, Buffy and Spike were able to get by them. But not for long, the vampires gave chase. Teeth (A/N: That's the shark demon) watched as they ran, taking a drag from his cigarette. Within a few seconds, the gang was upon Spike and Buffy. One of the vampires grabbed Spike. "Randy!" Buffy yelled. Spike threw a punch at the vamp and as he did, he accidentally morphed into vampface. The vamp went flying, totally airborne. Spike turned to Buffy, delighted at his unexpected display of super strength. "Hey! I'm a superhero, too!" Buffy spotted Spike's vamped-out state. She froze for a stunned second at discovering her fiancé was in fact a demon -- then quickly turned and took off running. Spike looked very confused. "Joan! Where ya goin'?" Spike fought the four vampires. He threw a few punches, then, he grabbed two of them, and slammed them together; their skulls colliding audibly. He tossed them at the remaining two vamps, knocking the whole snarling mess to the ground. Spike took off running after Buffy. "Hey Joan, wait up!" 


	11. Tabula Rasa Part 4

Chapter 11: Tabula Rasa Part 4  
  
Andie snorted loudly when Xander jumped down into the sewer, lost his footing and slipped in a nasty, unnamable substance. Tara just smiled, while Xander stood and glanced around, embarrassed. Dawn reached the last rung on the ladder. There was a three foot drop from ladder to ground. Xander held out his hand to help Dawn down.  
  
"Thanks," she said when she reached the bottom. By then, Willow had reached the bottom of the ladder. Xander extended a hand, but Willow instinctively reached for Tara's hand at the same time she reached for hers. On the ground, Willow grasped Tara's hand for a second too long before releasing her.  
  
They glanced around, noting the various tunnels they could choose from.  
  
"Which way?" Dawn prompted.  
  
"All directions look equally dank and stinky," Willow observed unenthusiastically.  
  
"How about this dank and stinky way?" Tara suggested, pointing in one direction.  
  
"Sounds great." They started in the proposed direction and Dawn began to sing softly to herself.  
  
"And the ants go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah. The ants go marching one by one, hurrah, hur - AHHH!" Her last word melted into a terrified scream as a vampire emerged from the darkness. . .  
  
* * *  
  
Giles and Anya stood beside an empty table. Anya held a big leather book to her chest, Giles, on the other hand, holding a much larger stack of books. "Let's do some magic," he said lamely. They grinned at each other. "I picked out a fine dusty selection of interesting-looking texts." Giles started setting his books down on the table, displaying them one by one.  
  
"This must be nice for us," Anya commented off-handedly.  
  
"Sorry?" asked Giles, a vague look of confusion on his face. Giles set down his last book he noticed something in his suit jacket pocket. Unnoticed by Anya, he took it out and looked at it: a single plane ticket.  
  
"I mean, I know there's the vampire problem and our memory loss and all that, but still. To spend this time together. Alone. It must be nice." Giles tucked the ticket away again, still distracted.  
  
"Uh.. Yes, quite right. So, which book shall we start with?" Anya ploped the book she was holding onto the table.  
  
"This is the book for us," she said confidently.  
  
"Oh good, it focuses on mind control or memory loss?"  
  
"Not exactly. I just...my intuition tells me this is the book. And I figure being a magic shop owner and a natural at the supernatural, I should trust my intuition."  
  
"Fine. But as you'll recall, I too own a magic shop," he gently reminded her.  
  
"True. But, my intuition says you're not so much the 'magic guy' and more of a paperwork type."  
  
"A paperwork type!" He took on an offended look.  
  
"You probably sweep up too." It was obvious she meant for this to sound reassuring. "Now, here we go." She opened the book to a random page and began to incant.  
  
"But you don't even know what you're-"  
  
"'Bara Bare Himble Gemination!'" There was a soft pop and a white rabbit appeared on the table. Anya screamed, startled. Giles just stared at her, appalled.  
  
* * * Spike, still in vamp-face, charged after Buffy, trying desperately to catch up with her. He followed her into a residential neighborhood. "Wait up!" he called, slightly winded. He caught up to her, putting out an arm... He caught her by the elbow and spun her around. Instinctively and smoothly, Buffy used her momentum to flip Spike backwards, launching herself forward onto him at the same time. She ended up straddling him, pinning his hands to the ground on either side of his head. "Bloody hell!" he said, startled by her strength. He'd seen it, not experienced it. "What're you doing?"  
  
"You don't know who you are," she said, realization overcoming her features.  
  
"Right. None of us do, love," he reminded patiently. "And we're being chased by the fiendy-"  
  
"You're a vampire." He looked almost insulted.  
  
"How could you..." He thought for a moment. "I... me a vampire... Nah..."  
  
"Check out the lumpies... and the teeth." She sat back, releasing his hands, but still atop him. He reached up, feeling the bumps on his forehead. He runs his tongue over his fangs, absorbing this. Then he put his fingers to his throat: no pulse. "I kill your kind," Buffy said unnecessarily.  
  
"And I bite yours." He looked at her and his ferocious expression melted away. "So why don't I want to bite you? And why am I fighting other vampires?" He took on a look of realization. "I must be a noble vampire. A good guy. On a mission of redemption.  
  
I help the hopeless. I'm a vampire with a soul!" he said proudly, not recognizing that he's just perfectly described his 'fiance's ex-lover. Buffy gave him a look.  
  
"'A vampire with a soul'?! Oh, my God. How lame is that?"  
  
"Lame? I'm lame? You're engaged to me!" She looked about to protest, but then her shoulders slumped.  
  
"Oh yeah. Why would I be engaged to a vampire?"  
  
"Because I have a soul." She grunted noncommittally. "I do. And you love me."  
  
"I do?"  
  
"Yes, you bleeding well better. Why else would you have agreed to marry me? I'm not even alive!"  
  
"I guess you're right. . ."  
  
"Now would you be so kind as to get off of me?" She smirked naughtily.  
  
"No, I don't think I will." He frowned, but she just leaned forward and pressed her lips against his. As his shock faded, his body took over and he entwined his long fingers in her hair. She moaned lightly as he pushed her lips open with his tongue. . .  
  
A/N: Haha. Now you have to waaaaaiiiit!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Sorry, I'm done now LOL. Keep checking for updates. PS told u it would be romance!!!! 


	12. Tabula Rasa Part 5

Chapter 12: Tabula Rasa: Part Five  
  
Buffy pulled away from Spike, absorbing what had just happened, and then hurriedly climbed off of him. The rush of feeling she suddenly felt toward him was a bit overwhelming. This didn't seem to bother Spike in the least, however. He stood, and began pacing in front of her. "I'm a hero, really," he said. " I mean, to be cast such an ugly lot but then to rise above it, to seek better, nobler things. It's inspiring, in'it?" He grinned lopsidedly, turning to Buffy, who hadn't heard a word he'd said. She'd been too busy with her whirling feelings to deal with his supposed Inspiring Quest for Redemption. "And the two of us! Natural enemies thrown together to stand against the forces of darkness! Utter trust! No  
  
thought of me biting you. No thought of you staking me. . ." "Kinda depends on how long you keep on yakking-" she said absentmindedly, coming out of her reverie. She broke off, hearing something. "What's that?"  
  
Four vampires were coming toward them from the right, looking particularly menacing. The same vampire's Spike had gotten away from earlier.  
  
"You know what you're doing?" he asked Buffy as she stood, quickly taking on a fighting stance.  
  
"Not really. But. Yes." He rolled his eyes at her confusing babble, but thought it better not to comment as Teeth swaggered out from behind the vamps. He paced in front of them.  
  
"Why if it isn't Mr. Spike and the Slayer. It seems there was some miscommunication between us. Somehow you've killed three of my vampires," the shark-headed demon noted casually. Spike growled low in his throat, then took on a surprised look, realizing what he'd just done. "Hey, so no big deal, they're a dime a dozen. But you know? You still haven't paid me my kittens. And that's okay too." He stepped aside. "Because you'll pay me now. At 'em, boys!"  
  
The vampires moved forward.  
  
Two jumped Spike while the other two took on Buffy.  
  
Buffy dealt out a couple blows before getting punched roughly in the jaw . She rallied, then kicked back.  
  
"Note to self: learn to duck."  
  
She broke off a nearby mailbox and dusted a vamp with the mailbox post, feeling proud that she'd made a witty comment. It seemed almost like nature.  
  
Spike headbutted another vampire, who collapsed. Spike pulled a stake from his jacket and dusted him expertly, grinning at his accomplishment.  
  
Off to the left, Buffy was getting in some good punches herself.  
  
"Check me out."  
  
Buffy kicked a vamp hard in the chest, who staggered towards Spike. Spike landed a right hook, and the vamp ricocheted back to Buffy.  
  
To anyone observing, this scene would have been very cool and coordinated. He set 'em up, she knocked 'em down.  
  
There were only two vampires left to slay.  
  
Buffy seemed to be really enjoying herself. More than she should have been. Getting a kick out of slaying for the first time in a long time. Just as she was about to stake one --  
  
"Don't mess with Joan the Vampire - "  
  
. . .and then she stopped.  
  
She remembering everything: who she was; her mother's death; heaven; hell on earth. . .  
  
She froze, memories flooding her mind.  
  
The vamp she'd been fighting took advantage of her startledness and kicked her in the face, sending her sprawling back onto the pavement.  
  
Buffy lied in the middle of the street. She tried to sit up but memories overwhelmed her, making her dizzy and sick.  
  
The vampire was on her now, kicking her while she was down. How rude.  
  
Spike was up on the sidewalk, fighting the other vampire. Suddenly, Spike remembered.  
  
"Buffy. . ." He looked at her. "Buff- " He was cut off when heabsorbed a blow to the head, and then resumed the battle, taking on Buffy's abandoned vampire aswell. Empowered by fury, Spike grabbed the two vampires by their scalps and brought their heads together with a resounding crack. Buffy, on the ground, winced at the noise. They crumpled to the pavement and he staked them. "From dust. . ." he muttered, "To dust."  
  
At least the fight was over.  
  
Teeth spoke then, startling Spike. He'd forgotten Teeth was there.  
  
"You're an odd duck, Mr. Spike. . ." The shark demon strolled toward him, with a casual menace that was, for lack of a better word, creepy. "Fighting your own kind. Palling around with a Slayer. And, whoa, that suit! Chutzpah must be your middle name." Spike rolled his eyes. He was sick of Teeth's shit. He moved slowly toward Teeth, who looked around. He seemed to be noticing that none of his lackeys were left. "Uh, hey, look. . ." he started nervously. "About our little debt problem... It's okay. I don't need the kittens."  
  
Spike grabbed him by the collar; Teeth now very scared.  
  
"You'll get paid. I'm no welsher." He released Teeth, who blinked, then smiles.  
  
"Right, sure. You're good for it. I know that. So, I'll just, uh. . .Yeah."  
  
And he backed away and hurried off into the night. Spike moved to Buffy. She remained on the ground, devastated and confused.  
  
"You alright?" he asked, clearly concerned.  
  
He offered her a hand up. She ignored it and stood on her own. Then she walked off. Leaving Spike alone.  
  
* * *  
  
Michelle branch played expertly on the stage in the Bronze, but Buffy barely heard the music, lost in her own thoughts as she nursed the drink in front of her.  
  
* * *  
  
Tara packed her belongings into boxes. Her face, swollen with hours of crying, was now stoic. She didn't want to leave, but knew it was for the best.  
  
Willow hadn't been able to do it. . .It was only a week. . .If Willow couldn't take her powers seriously, then how was she supposed to take their relationship seriously?  
  
And messing with her mind like that? How was that love? That was control. Nothing more, nothing less.  
  
* * *  
  
Giles sat in his cramped seat. Watching the flight attendant as she went through the motions: how the seat belt worked, the oxygen mask, the location of the exits. Giles' eyes were tired and sad.  
  
He hoped to God Buffy would be okay. That she would be able to handle getting Andrea and April home without him. That she would be able to handle. . .everything. . .  
  
* * *  
  
Spike walked up to Buffy. She glanced up at him. As he opened his mouth to say something, she turned away. After a beat, Spike walked away.  
  
* * *  
  
Tara exited the door, carrying out a final box as Dawn came up the steps. Tara put down the box and moved to give Dawn a hug.  
  
Dawn couldn't take it and ran into the house, up to her room, crying.  
  
* * *  
  
Willow sats, fully clothed, on the tile floor of the bathroom crying. She stood up and looked in the mirror.  
  
She looked pitiful. How could she have done this? It was her fault. She hadn't taken Tara's concern seriously. And then she'd gone and done that spell. Dammit, if she could have taken it back . .She'd do anything for Tara. She loved her.  
  
But she'd been wrong.  
  
* * *  
  
"Man," breathed Andie from the floor. She picked at the carpet under her foot. Her expression was one of complete frustration. "This sucks."  
  
"Yeah. Major," agreed April. "And we knew it was gonna happen, too."  
  
"But wasn't part of you hoping that since we were and messed things up a little, it would change?" She paused. "But that wouldn't have been right, would it? This is the way Joss wanted it. The way it was supposed to be."  
  
* * *  
  
Buffy frantically clutched at Spike's shoulders as his lips parted hers, his skin cool in contrast with her warmth.  
  
She knew it was wrong. . .but it felt so right. . . 


	13. Make It Better

Warning: Chapter contains Angel and Riley bashing.  
  
Chapter 13: Make It Better  
  
Andie's head plopped down onto her hand. This sucked. Everyone was in a bad mood. Dawn, Willow, Buffy. God knew how Tara was. She wasn't even there. They really had to do something.  
  
"Come on," she said, standing up off the couch in Buffy's living room. April looked at her.  
  
"Huh?" Andie sighed and grabbed April by the arm and yanked her to her feet.  
  
"We're going to fix things. Joss Whedon be damned! This blows." April looked a bit stunned for a moment and then shrugged.  
  
"Yeah, okay." They exited the house and looked around. Neither of them knew where Tara lived.  
  
"She probably moved back onto the campus." So they wandered down the road toward the UC Sunnydale campus, being careful to keep an eye out for the woman they were looking for.  
  
When they reached the large buildings of the campus, they went inside the administration building and approached a mousy-looking woman with curly red hair pulled back into a ponytail.  
  
"Excuse me," Andie started. "Could you tell me what room Tara McClay is in, please?"  
  
She clicked around on her computer for a moment before replying.  
  
"Room 218 in Jefferson." Andie nodded her understanding and moved away, April following close on her heals.  
  
"Okay, let's go get her."  
  
They quickly located the correct building and entered it, jogging to Tara's room.  
  
"Tara!!!" April called, gazing around the room. A startled looking Tara then came out of the bathroom, drying her hands on a towel.  
  
"Andie. April. What are you two doing here?" she asked, clearly confused. This caused them both to launch into an even more confusing explanation.  
  
"If you leave Willow -"  
  
"-Everyone's miserable-"  
  
"-then she's gonna go evil-"  
  
"-even Buffy-"  
  
"-because you die-"  
  
"-and Spike-"  
  
"-when you got shot-"  
  
"-well, not really Spike-"  
  
"-by Warren and then-"  
  
"-but Dawn's really pissed off too-"  
  
"-she tries to end the world-"  
  
"-and it's not fun anymore-"  
  
"-and Spike tries to rape Buffy-"  
  
"-and it's all because you people-"  
  
"-and Xander leaves Anya at the altar-"  
  
"-are acting so dumb-"  
  
"-and Spike's gonna leave-"  
  
"-SO YOU HAVE TO COME HOME!!!!!!" they chorused. Andie and April then fell silent, leaving Tara looking very perplexed.  
  
"So, you're saying that if I leave Willow, I'm going to get shot?"  
  
They nodded vehemently. Tara sighed.  
  
"Well," she said, seeing their hopeful expressions. "I guess I could try to talk it out with Willow." They then became very excited. "BUT I'm not promising anything."  
  
* * *  
  
"Look at me!" April exclaimed.  
  
She was standing on stilts and wearing a large trenchcoat. Her hair was covered by a spiky wig.  
  
"I'm Mr. Billowy-Coat-King-of-Pain. I enjoy brooding."  
  
Andie, dressed in overalls and a cowboy hat, had a blade of wheat sticking out of her mouth.  
  
"I'm from Iowa," she said with a bad hick accent. "I eat corn." April shoved her lightly.  
  
"Hey, stop talking. You're taking the attention off of ME! I'm brooding, here! Because I have a soul!"  
  
"Back in Iowa, we don't got no ekelektricity, so I don't watch no talking picture box."  
  
Buffy, Dawn and Spike were watching the girls from the door. They weren't really sure what the girls were attempting to do, but it was funny.  
  
"We don't got no dairy purifyin' factory, so we drink the milk straight from the cow," Andie completed.  
  
"Were they really that bad?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Yes," Dawn admitted, stifling a snort. Spike was laughing too hard to answer. When he had calmed down and wiped the tears of laughter from his eyes, he stood up straight and grinned lopsidedly at the girls.  
  
"Do you really have to go home?" 


End file.
